https://www.danyarumore.com/blog daily 0.75 2026-09-16 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6a302ee1fc711f044cbd6481/2f025c68-7a00-4d02-96d9-76218ed29bcd/A2_Trans.png https://www.danyarumore.com/blog/conflicttendenciesandchoices monthly 0.5 2026-09-15 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6a302ee1fc711f044cbd6481/c833a792-6132-460d-9ab6-b1b1386e9721/Downward+spiral+of+destructive+conflict_figure.png Blog - Destructive conflict tendencies vs. productive conflict choices - This destructive mindset around conflict, if not addressed, leads to the following predictable set of destructive behaviors: We tend to get dysregulated when we encounter conflict, since we perceive conflict as a threat; When we dysregulate, our amygdala (i.e., our “lizard brain”) takes over, we go into fight, flight, freeze, or appease mode in an effort to protect ourselves, and we default to defend-and-attack behaviors; As part of this, we tend to make the conflict very personal (i.e., this is about you versus me) rather than focusing on working together to problem solve and address the issue that brought us into conflict in the first place; and Because we feel threatened and get focused on “winning” rather than problem-solving, we get fixated on achieving certain solutions or outcomes (i.e., “positions”) and, in so doing, lose sight of our fundamental needs and concerns (i.e., our “interests”). The result of this destructive mindset and set of behaviors is almost always negative outcomes for most if not all parties, including hurt feelings, degraded relationships, eroded trust, and negative impacts on productivity and well-being. These negative outcomes tend to reinforce our belief that conflict is bad, and that creates a vicious cycle where we continue to see conflict as a threat and we continue to dysregulate and behave unskillfully when we encounter conflict. This is the downward spiral of destructive conflict. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6a302ee1fc711f044cbd6481/43d58240-e922-46e7-a993-389956fda327/Upward+spiral+of+productive+conflict_figure.png Blog - Destructive conflict tendencies vs. productive conflict choices - When we approach conflict in this skillful way, it empowers us to shift how we behave and to act in much more productive ways when we experience conflict, mainly: When we stay regulated (i.e., calm and present) when dealing with conflict, this makes it possible for us to respond to the situation thoughtfully and act intentionally rather than defaulting to defend-and-attack behaviors; This allows us to approach conflict with a curious and compassionate stance and to focus on learning and trying to understand what the problem really is and what we and others really need; and When we do this, we can work with others to “attack the problem” rather than “attacking the people”—i.e., we can work with other parties to create mutual gains solutions, rather than making the situation personal and focusing on “being right” or “winning.” Approaching conflict this way and working with others to co-create solutions and strategies that meet the core needs of all involved parties results in all sorts of positive outcomes, from improved relationships to learning about ourselves and others to creating innovative solutions that are better than the solutions any one party would have come up with on their own. In other words, conflict becomes highly productive. When this happens, it creates a virtuous cycle where it becomes easier to meet future conflicts with a calm, open state of mind and skillfulness. 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